How Women Should Handle a Breakup

Note: These are not my actual feelings on this. I greatly respect and love women, and I’m generally the one that handles the breakup poorly. Long list of women that can attest to this. I wrote this for a friend in order to give a premise for a satirical break up article. Exactly 500 words, which was the word count! Bam! Hope you laugh.

A man cannot be restrained by the shackles of marriage. In so much, a woman should entirely expect their college relationship will come to an end. The man will graze in the pastures long enough to desire greener pastures.

With this in mind, there are certain poor habits women seem to partake in after this inevitable divide. While this list takes in mind a great deal of the issues, one would need to write a truly amazing literary work to touch on all the points. Here is my humble attempt.

After the break up, do not ask for your stuff back. You gave it, along with your heart, and you shouldn’t be expecting everything to come back in the same condition, or at all. If it’s underwear, chick flicks, or a Bieber CD, he has no use for it: you can ask for that back.

You can keep his hoodie, pants, shirt, and so forth. If he left it there, he shouldn’t be expecting it back. What must be returned under penalty of slander are his video games, gym clothes, and beer. Beer depends on the quality. If it is anything light, help yourself. If it’s Guiness, well we’ve all seen Braveheart. The video games are required. Playing video games is a time honored tradition among men born within the last twenty or so years. It kills time while they find another woman. Finally, let’s be honest, you don’t want his man-sweat covered gym short in your apartment anyway.

Next, delete his phone number. No texts are desired. No phone calls are needed. Keep it a clean break. If he is out on a date, or at a party working on a sweet thing, you will ruin the mood. If you loved him enough in the relationship to keep in touch, love him enough out of it to let him get his groove on.

Do not cry in front of him. Men are simple, emotionless creatures. We don’t understand your tears, and at the end of the day, it just looks like a saline solution to keep us hydrated. It’s a waste of your time, unless we’re working out. Then by all means, it’s cheaper than Gatorade.

Spread rumors about us to your female friends we’ve been checking out while dating you. We know we were amazing at everything we did, and we want them to know it too. It saves us time when on the prowl for the next date.

Finally, we would appreciate it if you stopped using the L word. Sure, we used it for a brief period of time, and like any good tool, once it’s used up, chuck it out. So take that word and move on.

There is a starter’s guide on how to handle the break up. Each man has his own preferences, so please make sure to consult while still dating, so it’s not too awkward. And ladies, you’re welcome for the advice. Call me.

2 Comments on “How Women Should Handle a Breakup

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