There are individuals who stated they had to see the texts before they’d be willing to believe this even happened. So here it is (paraphrased, as I deleted her number and texts).

Me: Hey, are you free Saturday? Want to hang out?

Her: I should be.

Me: What would you like to do?

Her: Actually, I need to walk my grandpa’s cat.

At this point I’m thinking that’s the weirdest way anyone has ever told me they don’t want to go out with me. A simple no would have sufficed. We had never met, I didn’t feel an immense connection, it’s not like my feelings would have been hurt. However, at this point it was so preposterous I had to continue. Joel demanded to see the text to make sure this was real, and our inside sales lady was near tears she was laughing so hard. But it got better. As I said, I was going to play along and really milk this.

Me: Can I join you on your walk?

Her: Why of course.

Okay, I’m in again! It’s just a very bizarre in.

Me: Tell me when and where, and I’ll see you then.

Her: Shoot, my grandpa doesn’t have a cat.

How do you respond to that?! Kathy was in tears. She couldn’t sit up straight. At this point I had to show Joel my texts or he refused to believe this was real. I told my writing friend, Gina, and she said she’ll be using it in an upcoming book. This is now seriously the weirdest way anyone has ever told me they don’t want to hangout. I wasn’t asking for her hand in marriage. Once more, I really thought a simple no would suffice, but no. Grandpa has no cat. So I let this sit. At this point, I wasn’t touching it. But apparently she was feeling up for touching it!

Her: So, I was joking. I’m sorry.

Background story! While doing eHarmony, I generally stick to 23 to 35. Any younger than 23, and even anyone younger than 25, I try to shy from. Out of nowhere, this 19 year old started contacting me. I figured what the heck, how many 30 year old men looking like me and with my social status get to claim they flirted with a 19 year old. I figured at some point she’d get bored and ignore or block me. But she didn’t. So at this point, it was a grand reminder of why I avoided 19 year old women. Or girls, to be honest.

Me: Then do you want to hang out?

Don’t judge! She was 19. I have a weakness for college girls. A really stupid one.

At this point we figured out where we would hang out and what we would do. I cancelled our Friday night movie. I couldn’t do it. I felt horrible and guilty that I considered it. Then she threw herself at me for a hike through the woods on Saturday. Should a 19 year old really be offering a walk through the woods with a strange, older man? If you have a daughter, tell her not to do this. This is stupid, too. So I caved. She told me she wasn’t looking for anything that serious, I really wasn’t looking for anything serious with someone who would tell me she was walking her grandpa’s cat as a joke (when we really don’t know each other), so this would work out. She asked a lot of other immensely weird questions as well. This wasn’t a first.

For whatever reason my senses, which had left me at 10pm, were reinstated at 2am. I texted a Bible verse, an apology, and told her this can’t happen. This is dumb. It’s a future regret. It’s a future awesome story, but I already have some of those. At this point it becomes a more monumental story for her, and as legendary as I am, I don’t want to be the drunken tale she tells her kids, like the patron of a bar speaking of unicorns and griffins. She texted back “I understand” and that was it. The weird story that almost ended with a weird encounter in a forest, turned into me growing up. Kicking and screaming, perhaps, but growing up all the same. It’s painful, though. I live a fairly decent life and miss out on what I really wanted. What I fought tooth and nail for. Meanwhile, people who made far worse decisions than a tryst with a 19 year old in a forest get incredible things. The emptier I am, the more God can fill me with his love.

However, that was only part one of the story! Part two has nothing to do with the cat walker.

I realized something with cat walker. I realized something a long time ago, actually when I thought about this moment and freaked out. What I realized is grasping out at straws isn’t working. I keep realizing it isn’t working and I keep grasping, but I guess none of them were as compromising as cat walker. Most of them were just drab. The one date I was really enthusiastic about I was apparently drab. So I swore off eHarmony. I thought, this is it. I’ll wrap up the conversations I’m in the midst of and move on.

Speaking of, there was someone who was all about racial reconciliation as it pertains to religion. I laughed. I had to look it up. I’m still not entirely sure what it is. She got blocked. Which is unfortunate because she was a mission director, incredibly cute, interested in me for my desires to do a lot of mission work, but she was strange in her ways. Very “the white man is evil and racist,” which is kind of racist.

Anyway, so I checked my yahoo, and it’s just littered with people wanting to get to know me. Well they say when you actually give up they start pounding on the door. I guess what confused me was I didn’t change anything. I didn’t make any new statements or change my attitude online. I changed it personally, but that doesn’t display. Very odd. But moving forward. I’m not ready for this crap. I’m ready to get published and have library fan girls asking for my autograph.

10 Comments

  1. “Library fan girls,” for the win. And… weird. Very weird– yeah, 19 is just waaay waaay too young for any guy older than 21. A few of my guy friends have dated younger girls like this and they always end up falling hard just about the time the girl gets flighty or weird.
    I feel like I would have been looking around for cameras after getting the “Shoot, my grandpa doesn’t have a cat.” text.
    Weeeeiiiiird!

    1. So weird! And no, after we hung out she was all “Didn’t you feel something? Did it all mean nothing to you?” And I’m like…no, there was nothing. I made that clear when we first started talking. Super weird.

  2. Hi, I followed this from a comment you made. You are right. this is weird. I have leashes for my cats but what we do would be considered going for a drag, or a plop (lay? Lie? lain? eh, plop works)in the grass at best. It is funny that most people at 19 figure they are grown up and have a pretty good grasp on how the world works. In reality they are fairly clueless, as they find out when the years pass. I gave eharmony a shot too. Needless to say I didn’t find my “happily everafter” either.

    1. Ha! I believe it. Hopefully you found sone good stories at least. While working today I realized the most useful thing for me to remember as a teen would be “I’m a dumb kid.” If only. Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Maybe this shouldn’t be my takeaway, but I’m just really glad no one actually put their cat on a leash and walked it. That being said, Kudos to you, I think you made a good decision not to go out with her.

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