Dohvakiin

A to Z April – D

It was day two of being in the gym again. I forgot how good it felt. How bad work could be, but it all drifted away when I was in this most glorious chapel of strength, speed, and weight loss. I had done well on the elliptical, burned a lot of calories, and just felt manly. I know, ellipticals aren’t the most manly thing, but they’re a good start.

I went with the wind, pumping hard, my arms flying, legs burning, sweat dripping from brow and arms. My shirt and boxer briefs were being tested for just how well they could wick moisture. Then next to me a lithe, attractive woman got  on the elliptical. She wore a tank top which showed a great deal of her side, including the hot pink sports bra. I blushed, but looked forward. I wouldn’t look at her. I would refrain. I wasn’t going to be that guy. I sped up.

Checking my heart beat triggered an internal war. 192.

“You need to slow down. It says you should be around 165,” Reason said.

“Don’t be a pussy,” Testosterone said.

“Don’t be a pussy!” Internally, the chorus had spoken, but many times Reason was right.

“For the pussy!” It took a while, but eventually Penis chimed in, trying to convince me to look over.

“For the pussy!” The chorus echoed. Testosterone and Penis were in cahoots.

“We can’t let her see you being weak,” said Penis.

“You can’t be weak,” echoed Testosterone.

“I think she’s in high school,” countered Reason.

I didn’t get a real good look at her, so I was a horrible judge of this. Was she in high school? Then Reason wins. Was she in college? We all know who wins then.

Reason continued, “Women are hurtful. Women lie. Women deceive. You can treat a woman as well as you can, and she will still back stab you.”

“Quoting video games?” I asked internally.

“Whatever gets through to you. You can’t push over 190 and you can’t do it for women.”

“I’ll do it to become Dovahkiin.” Dovahkiin means Dragon Born, a human born to slay the flying destroyers.

“To become Dovahkiin!” shouted Testosterone. Penis was defeated and went to sulked in the darkness.

Reason approved. “To become Dovahkiin, slayer of Alduin, savior of Skyrim.” I pumped harder. Reason said, “Unless your heart explodes.”

Workout Goals

Reach 170 lbs primarily through cardio and healthy eating, doing strength training two to four times a week. While previously assumed impossible, I’m pretty sure 170 is achievable. I can do this in 10 weeks healthily.

Buy a shield and mace when I reach 170 as a reward. Also, start learning to use them in order to prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse (a mace doesn’t run out of ammo), as strength training, and to really strive for the Dovahkiin vibe.

Begin muscle training. I’ll do cardio three times a week, muscle training at least four times a week, and I’ll be drinking meat milk.

Ideal end weight: 190 lbs (where I am now, but instead of it being in my belly, it’s like on my arms, legs, chest, etc., and looks all ripped and muscley.)

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