How am I

How am I?

I am pained
Every day when you’re not here
Every week when I wake up to an empty pillow
Every month when I’m reminded I’m alone by other couples
Every year when I can’t find someone better

I am determined
Every day I climb a mountain
Covered in my blood spilled from a thousand wounds
With only God at the top waiting to take my hand
Every joy, every handhold, I forge by my own hands and tools
But I will reach the top

I am dreaming
Every time I sit down to edit, bleeding colored ink onto my soul
Every time I punch out a short story to be devoured in bite sizes
Every time I sit down to create a game and convince others to join me on the ride

I am devout
Through leading mission teams
Through random acts of kindness
Through Bible study twice a week at 6:30 am
Through leading  Bible study Saturday morning
Through lifting up praise in choir Sunday morning

I am not doing well. I am doing good.
I have not found happiness. I have found conviction and faith.
I do not know Eros. I do know myself.
I do not know the touch of one. I know how to reach out and touch many.

I might miss you every day of my life
But every day I do my best to thank you for kicking my ass out the door, and shredding everything I was. Twice.

That is how I am doing

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